Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
