Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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