mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
