how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
