OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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