I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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