I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
