Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
