Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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