Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
