I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it's like iHOP with fire
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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