Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
