you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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