I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
