Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
