It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize