Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
