So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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