Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
