since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
