I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
