I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
