you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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