dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
