I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
