she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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