Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
