when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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