i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
