I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
