I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
