just tell him i said nine months
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize