homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
