I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
