so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
