She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize