Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
