I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Who died my cat blue again?
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