when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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