The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
