i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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