that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize