I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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