What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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