My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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