I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
