Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
