I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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