Got a toothbrush?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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