peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
