Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
