Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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