remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
