They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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