I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
