I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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