Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dignity is for republicans.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
