ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
