I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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