Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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